Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
