A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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