so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
