this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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