I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
