I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
