Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he had hair everywhere except his balls
i now understand why vodka
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
