Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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