Apparently you make a good broom.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
