after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
