Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
