Small penises have feelings too.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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