Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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