so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
