Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
