So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
