Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
