hotel room ftw
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
