Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
