I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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