They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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