it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
