walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
