gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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