I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
