He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
