youre lurking in front of me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
