She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
