Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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