Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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