if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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