This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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