Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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