I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
