I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I smell like Dick and happiness
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