Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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