I need help removing her.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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