Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
