So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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