the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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