I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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