cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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