I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
