We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
