I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
