There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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