I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I am one with the molecules
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
