You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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