I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
