How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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